Novigovio

The classic greeting in Paraguay is "Que Tal?" shortly followed by the simple "What's your name?" Comparatively, they greet people in the same manner that anyone in the States would when first meeting a new person. But, this is where Paraguayans will throw you a curve ball. The next question is inevitably, and proving consistently, "Do you have a boyfriend?" A non-anticipating foreigner like me is prepared for such basic inquiries such as; "Where are you from?", "What do you do?", "Are you the daughter of so-and-so?" or "Where are you visiting from?"...but the boyfriend question seems to be coming out of left field.

I am just as thrown-off by their prying as they are by my response. "No I actually don't have a boyfriend." After the stunned Paraguayan regains him/herself and gives a dramatic pause he/she immediately has a list of twenty questions to further investigate this rare and indeed abnormal situation. The reality of the dating scene in Paraguay is that most women in their mid-twenties have a husband, some kids, a nice farm, preferably a few cows; at the very least a serious boyfriend with marriage in the near future. I tried explaining to a neighbor the other day the concept of "thirty is the new twenty." I can't blame the lack of misunderstanding on my inept Spanish abilities, it was merely too rare of a concept for a Paraguayan woman to understand.

After the twenty questions, I am consoled with the reassurance that I should not worry. This person whom I’m speaking with just happens to know someone, who has a cousin, whose brother is single. Oh, well thanks! Everyone wants to set you up with some one. I imagine it's like being on a dating show. Why don't we just put them all the conveyor belt and move this process along? Because I am in Paraguay, and am determined to have an open mind and meet new people and so forth I often find myself saying, “Sure you can introduce me to your neighbor’s son-in-laws former first grade teacher.”

After a handful of these set up, I begin to better prepare my expectations.

Furniture store lady: My son is just dying to learn English. He is very smart. You know we have a house in Asuncion?

Sam: Well I really should get goi...

Furniture store lady: Why don't you just sit here a minute and I'll go grab him. He stayed home today with the flu…

Sam: Yes, please go get him and no need to worry that he stayed home sick today; yeah this sounds like a great idea. Maybe we could share some terere too.

Son: Hi...blah, blah, blah

Then it dawns on me that this woman has no interest in her son learning English, nor does he. This poor woman is trying to set me up with her high school, acne prone, hormonal teenage son.

Sam: It was so nice to meet you. I'm sure I'll see you around soon. Bye! I really have to run, there's umm… yeah some stuff with that one person that I need to do…

I just didn't have the heart to tell her that I stopped being attracted to pubescent males when I graduated high school five years ago. I do however have a lot of experience in babysitting, if you ever need to go out for the afternoon though and need some extra help. But it's not just the minors that the Paraguayans insist on throwing at me, it's the "seasoned" veterans that get offered up to me as well.

Host dad: Hi Sam! I would like you to meet my single friend. He is a great cook.

Sam: Hi

Host dad: Did I mention that he's single and can cook....and he's only 34?

And will he be celebrating his 34th birthday for the eighth time this year, or for the tenth, because he does not look a day under 44. I understand that Paraguay can age a person, but those wrinkles aren't from sun damage.

Host dad: He can cook you lots of food. You can be really fat.

How did he know that that I've always aspired to be fat and stay in Paraguay FOREVER?

Then there's the sneaky cute, when I think, “Okay this guy has potential.” Then he smiles. Your aunt told me that you were tall, dark and handsome, twenty four, and working as a veterinarian. How did she fail to mention that you're missing his four front teeth? After one two many of these "set-ups" I make a mental list of three “non-negotiables" for future candidates.
1. Must be between the age of 21 and 30
2. Must have a full set of teeth
3. May not have current wife, sancha (lady on the side), baby-mama, or girlfriend

I have unfortunately just eliminated 89.7% of the available men in the Paraguayan dating pool. The other day someone asked me in pure exasperation, "Samantha, really what is your type?" I should have held back, but it just slipped out, “The North American type."